Stupid Boy, Silly Girl.

I thought I'd give Mama Kat's Writers Workshop a go again.

It's been ages but I'm feeling bitter and twisted today and one of her prompts for this week gives me the perfect outlet for my overall yukkiness.

I've chosen prompt number 3. Write a poem that about a time you felt betrayed.

I had a relationship many years ago with a stupid horrible little boy younger man who was initially attracted to the pure awesomeness of me. I was 28 and he was 8 years younger than me (do the math) and had a body that reduced me to a puddle of teenage hormones. He was also a controlling, abusive, drug user, who made it his job (the only one he had) to stamp out my spirit. He would smoke, snort or inject anything he could find, then tell me what a horrible person I was. The guy was a prince. Of darkness. So why did I stay? Unfortunately his youth, cockiness (pun intended), and lack of inhibitions made him fan-fucking-tastic in bed. Oh and my mum was dying and I had absolutely no self-esteem. But mainly the sex thing. The relationship started in the years leading up to my mothers death and finished not long after when I finally recognized what he had done to me. It was the biggest mistake I ever made and it almost ruined me. I can still feel the effects of it. Or maybe that's lingering second-hand smoke. Either way it left me scarred. And semi-high. I wrote this, and a few others like it, to try to cleanse myself. A kind of mental detox. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

Stupid Boy, Silly Girl

I listen to music, and all day I read.
     Inspiring words, that relate to me.
           Pulling me in, sayin' Silly Girl.
Why’d you let this boy, take over your world?

I trusted you, and made us a home.
     I gave you my love, shared all that I owned.
          You took ev'ry breath, and demanded more.
 If I didn't submit, you showed me the door.

I had it all, was a flame so bright.
      A different thing to do ev’ry night.
           You locked me away, threw away the key.
And ev’ry one forgot about me.

You set out to break me, you told me so.
      And even then I couldn’t let you go.
           You challenged yourself, you made me succumb.
You even hurt me, while I buried my mum.

Did it ever occur to you it was wrong?
     (Stupid Boy)
I cannot believe that I stayed for so long.
     (Silly Girl)
You couldn’t decide between me and your bong.
     (Stupid Boy)
I suppose I should thank you for making me strong.
     (Silly Girl)

You left me alone dunno how many times.
      Coz I’m not as important as the boyz and some lines.
           Does your dope and your speed keep you warm in bed?
Can they make you dinner? Do they give good head?

You don’t own me no more, I’m out and I’m free.
     When I left you that day, I went out found me.
           I can live life again, friends still know my name.
I have people who love me, can you say the same?

Writers Workshop - Bridge Over Troubled Waters.

8th April 2010

Ok, so for the past week or so I have been a bit down in the dumps. The 6th anniversary of my Mum's death is the 8th of April (today), and I haven't been taking it well. I never do. Mum's birthday is on the 9th March, so the entire Month from then to her anniversary is a pretty bad one for me. I have tried to stay away from here, as much as possible, and away from writing full stop actually. Because everything I have written these past few days has been tainted with a dash of the 'I'm-depressed-feel-sorry-for-me's', and I didn't want that to translate through to this blog.

That said, from this day forth, I swear on the Bible there will be, as Mum would say, "No More Blubbering!" And I think Mama Kat's - Writers Workshop, is a perfect way for me to begin. So let's do it!

I WAS going to pick this prompt. 2.) What book captured your heart? Write about why the first book you loved is the first book you loved. However, I considered the fact that the post would probably be 5000 words long, and filled with my inner-critic's pretentious grandstanding. Along with many big words. Like A LOT. So I thought I'd save you all my preposterous anal-ness, and I went with this one...

5.) Where does that fear come from? Write about something that frightens you that other people might find ridiculous. Write about it in a poem, a story, or whatever.

Okay. Here goes...

I am deathly afraid of DRIVING over bridges that are above water.

There. I said it. Phew!

Normal bridges don't bother me. Give me a huge structure, 10 stories high, and I'll trundle across it without a problem. But stick a trickle of water underneath it, a minuscule flow; and I am reduced to an infant, curled into foetal position, sucking her thumb and crying for her Mummy. 

(Oh, and I can WALK across a bridge, jetty/pier or whatever, with water underneath it without a problem. Hmm... Go figure.)

My original fear stems from when I was a child, early teen actually, and my Mum, two brothers and I were caught in a storm driving home from the local 'Trash and Treasure' market.

There was a short bridge that we had to cross on the way out that had a small river running underneath it.

It had never bothered me previously, but on this particular day, it was raining fiercely, and the river had swollen to the point of bursting it's banks. Unfortunately that also meant that it had risen above the level of the bridge, and water was washing rapidly across it.

The bridge, being so tiny, didn't have guard rails, so crossing it at the best of times was an unnerving experience.

This particular day, it was terrifying.

We had a small car, and started out slowly. I think that was our mistake.

The water rushed across underneath our tires, caught the car, and we sailed from one side of the bridge to the other. Luckily for us, the bridge DID have raised edges and that stopped us from being washed over the rim into the water. I was shit-scared that we were going to be swept away and drowned, stuck in the car, unable to climb free.

Mum revved the car, water lapping against tires trying desperately to find purchase on the slippery wood. I was holding my breath, willing the car off the bridge. FINALLY it took, and we were headed for the end in a hurry.

It felt like forever, but I'm sure the whole episode took only 30 seconds or so. We stopped on the other side, Mum and the boys were a bit shaky. But me... I was a mess. It shook me to the very core.

Ever since that day, I have been petrified of driving over bridges with bodies of water underneath them, no matter how big or small. I will drive for hours out of my way, to avoid crossing one. Ridiculous I know, but I just can't help myself.

Oh... And I'm also absolutely TERRIFIED of clowns. But that's a story for another day!