Damn it! Hurt Me. Just Leave Her Alone.

Firstly - I'm sorry for this post, I'm too drained to censure it, and I have to get it out of my head before the scattered thoughts that are threatening to drink my spine juice and eat my brain from the inside out actually succeed.

 

 

2nd - After a night full of delirium filled with horrible nightmares and hallucinations which included crying out for her Mima (my Mum), Tomika's fever finally broke and she is getting better. Thank fuck. I'm positive there are times when I've been more scared by things before this week, but at this exact moment, I can't think of a single one.

There is nothing worse in this world than seeing your baby, your heart and soul, in pain, and not be able to do anything about it. It hurts. It hurts like hell. Deep down in that place that no one ever sees, that place that you don't even know is there until it starts bleeding, it hurts. It rips out your insides and shits all over them.

But you hold it together, because you have to, for her. Because absolute terror is absolutely catching. And that's the last thing she needs to see. You hold it together because you are Mother. And Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.*

So now that she's on the mend, I can be absolutely, bluntly, honest with myself. She scared the fuck outta me, and I don't like it. I don't like it at all. Where the hell was the chapter on this in that bloody parenting book?!

Jesus, right about now is when I really need my Mummy. I just want to hear her tell me that I'm doing it right. Is that so bloody much to ask? She never told me about this before she left. I don't want to look on the internet for the answers. I don't want to second guess myself about how much and how often. I want to call my Mum and cry and tell her my baby is sick and ask her what to do. Fuck fuck fuck.

Sorry... Tantrum over, I'm ok now.

C - Friday Fatties

Lets lighten the mood a little shall we?

So apparently running around like a chook with it's head cut off after a sick Tomika is not as conducive to losing weight as one would expect. Go figure.

Starting Weight: 82.5 kgs

Last Friday:       81.7 kgs

Loss of:             800 grams

This Friday:       82.2 kgs

Gain of:             500 grams

Total Loss:        300 grams

Note To Self - Lack of sleep and stress doesn't result in weight loss. Actually it causes eat-whatever-you-can-stuff-in-your-mouth-when-you-start-feeling-faint-and-finally-remember-you-haven't-eaten-for-8-and-a-half-hours. With cheese.

Shit hey. I hereby declare this weeks FF cancelled due to lack of interest. Like Christmas.

Oh well. Just call me The Grinch.

_____________
*The Crow (1994)

Friday Fatties - It's Better Than Nothing!

Well it's weigh in time and I lost weight!

Excuse me for a sec while I happy dance... (Go me. Go me. Go go, go me!)

Okay I'm back.

I have lost, a grand total of... Drumroll please...

800 grams. (Or 1.8 pounds.)

Woo Hoo!

800 grams. Huh. All the killing myself exercising, all the starving myself stupid, and I lost 800-bloody-grams.

Eh... A loss, is a loss, is a loss. I guess. At least I didn't gain weight.

Now THAT would have been annoying.

Friday Fatties and Friday Follow

Okay. So I don't usually mix up my posts into more than one subject. (Well, except for the first few posts I did.) I find it hard enough to keep track of what I am actually writing about, let alone several things at a time! But today I really, really wanted to do a couple of different things, and I really, really couldn't be bothered writing numerous posts... So I decided to give it a try. Here goes.

Friday Fatties

Christie from Mommy Drinks Because You Cry, and Pamela from 2 Much Testosterone have started up a thingy they are calling Friday Fatties, whereby all of us Fat Heffa's come together every Friday (duh) and become accountable for our weight by announcing it to the world at large. (Or in my case, the 5 people who actually put up with my inane ramblings.)

This is my first week of participating, and I hope that it will become a regular thing.

Okay, so here goes. Umm... Ready, and, go! AAANNNDDD GO! (Come on you sook!)

Okay... Take two. And... GO!!!

I currently weigh... As of 6pm tonight... A whopping... (Stop stalling woman!)

82.5 kg.

There. I said it. And no, thankyouverymuchChristieandPamela, I do not feel better!

Wow. 82.5kg. Or 181.9 pounds for all you Imperialists. Come to think of it, I think I'll stick with the Metric system thanks. It doesn't sound quite as bad.

I went to my doctor on Tuesday with this challenge in the back of my head, along with the very real fear that I am having trouble breathing when I lay on my back, and I have heart palpitations when I lay down, and sit up, and generally do anything more strenuous than breathing; and he gave me some pills that help you lose weight. Not diet pills as such, no, nothing as simple as an appetite suppressant, these are MUCH better. These little babies make it impossible for your body to digest fat, and (wait for it)... they give you diarrhoea if you try to eat anything that your body disagrees with!

Great! So now not only will I be deprived of food containing anything resembling flavour, but if I do try to eat something at all yummy, I'll be stuck on the loo for hours as punishment for my sins!

Hmm... Do I really need to lose THAT much weight? Really, really? Maybe I can just tie a long sleeved top around my waist...

Friday Follow

This one, luckily, only requires me to add these buttons, and go and link up at the host site, Midday Escapes.





So after all my angst, I didn't really do much did I? I WAS going to add Mama Ka't's Writer's Workshop as well, as I try to do it as often as possible, but this week with Mother's Day nigh, most of the prompts are about Mums, and I kinda don't want to go there again so close to the day itself...


Just for you, under the TMI label, I've been taking the pills the Doc gave me and my week has not been pretty. Come to think of it, I'm going to have a bit of a lie down now...