Would it be totally uncool for me to swoon right now...?

Holy fuckity-fuck-fucking-Jesus-Christ-in-a-teacup Batman!

I just got home and checked my email and I found THIS... 

I stole her avatar too...

Just in case you can't see it properly, here's a close-up...

She loves me. She really loves me.

Yes that is an email from Ms Jenny The Bloggess Lawson herself replying to me regarding my putting her quote on my wall. I feel like I just got a letter from the Queen!

*Sigh*

P.S. Wentworth Miller, you're next!

I am the Wizard of Oz of Housewives

Okay. So I read Jenny Lawson's (The Bloggess) book Let's Pretend This Never Happened.

Why yes, that is a dead mouse.

It's fantastic. Like utterly amazing.

Now I read a lot. I mean, A LOT a lot. And I'm warning you in advance, this post is going to border on being stalker-ish. The Bloggess' book moved me more than any I've read in a really long time. I cringed in horror, laughed until a little bit of pee came out and sobbed as if my heart was broken. And scarily of all I could relate. To everything. single. word.

It's absolutely terrifying for me to read a book like this because I feel as though she burrowed deep down inside of me and retched up all the stuff I'm ashamed of and keep hidden, and exposed it for everyone to judge. It's heart-wrenching, and embarrassing, and absolutely wonderful. Just to know there is someone else out there that is just as fucked up as I am is empowering.

I have so much respect and admiration for this woman, the strength it would take to be able to write with such honesty and rawness, to lay it all out there for the world to see. It's humbling.

One thing in particular spoke to me and perfectly captured the inner conflict that wars within me on a daily basis. The 23rd chapter is titled;

"I am the Wizard of Oz of Housewives (In that I am both "Great and Terrible" and because sometimes I hide behind the Curtains)"

This quote not only sums up the entire book for me, but also encompasses my whole life. I am wonderful and horrible, sometimes simultaneously, on a daily basis. And at times I am so overwhelmed by either the sheer wonder, or utter hopelessness of it all I find myself curled up in the foetal position in a corner. 

That page (p 191), drew me back to re-read, over and over. And each time I found something new. A brutally honest thought. Deeper insight. Some new complexity that made me go, "Oh! Yes. There you are."

I thumbed through the pages to get to that quote so many times I ruined the book.

So I stole it.

I made it bigger.

And I put it on my wall.

And it is awesome.

I. Should. Never. Watch. Infomercials... Ever.

Wednesday night I was up until 4am. Why? I hear you cry. One word. Info-fucking-mercials. Ok, so maybe that's two words.

I told myself I was studying. I was supposed to be studying. But really? Watchin' the damn infomercials.

They lure me in every. time.

THAT night I bought:

Because apparently I couldn't get shampoo at Coles...

But in the past I have been sucked in by:

Tried it. Lasted 3 weeks.

There's only so much canned tuna you can eat. Next...!

Uhh Huh... See above comment.

Without this I look like Shrek.

Ok, these I use daily. 

They make your boobs look like a uni-boob but they are so damn comfortable!

Used it once... 

I do have it prominently displayed so that when people visit I can look down my nose at them and say, "Sure. I use it every day... Don't you?"

This is actually pretty cool. I have steamed everything.

Anyone else got anything for sale? A crudely put together PowerPoint presentation is apparently all you need to lure me in. Free trial? Love it. Only pay for postage? Sign me up!

I suck at impulse control.

I'm sorry? This is your beezwax, how exactly?

 

The past three hours of my time has been used-up preparing, editing and re-editing, honing and perfecting this post. I. am. exhausted. I'm also fairly confident it will offend some people. Sue me.

So here goes..

I have just spent what seems like the better part of today AGAIN defending my decision to write about my daughter on this blog.

Seriously guys? What ever happened to the old saying, "People in glass houses, shouldn't throw stones."

What is it about me that makes people think that it's ok for them to not only judge me, but feel that it's ok to TELL ME WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO BRING UP MY CHILD??? She's happy. She's healthy. She's a normal teenager. She does shitty things. She gets into trouble. So do your kids. She is also a wonderful person. 

I. did. that. 

I make sure she is happy and safe every day, so it stands to reason that I'm not going to do anything to hurt her. Yes I write about her. Yes I include her real name. But you know what? So do other mums! I don't include our Surname. I don't include identifying landmarks. Facebook does. So does Twitter. So does YouTube and Tumblr and Instagram. By including LBS  or what we all know as GPS mapping in their posts, everyone knows EXACTLY where you are.

I. don't. do. that.

So to those people I say simply:

The choice to include Tomika in my blog was deliberate and not made lightly. I am not the first parent to write about their children online, and I will definitely not be the last

To quote another mother/blogger, who also writes about her kids:

"Here’s the thing. There are people more important and more famous than us who’s entire lives are photographed and tracked. We know their kids’ names, we know where they live, we know where they vacation, etc.

Are we taking risks by allowing people to see our children on the internet? Yes. How great are the risks? I don’t know. Are there freaks out there? Yes and they scare the crap out of me. But are we taking those same risks when I take my kids ANYWHERE in public? Yes. There will always be creeps. I refuse to live in fear of them." - Mama's losin' It!

I have questioned and questioned and questioned my decision. And upon endless reflection, I am ok with it.

Now, if you have come here to judge, my suggestion is thus: Move on. Nothing to see here. Click on the back button, or whatever brought you here and visit elsewhere.

You will not like this blog. We are not a match made in heaven, and I can guarantee we will both be happier not crossing paths again.

I will write about whatever I deem appropriate, and nothing you say will change that. I am sorry if you find that offensive, but I recommend you save your typing fingers and maybe comment on a blog you DO enjoy.

I will also not turn this blog into a soapbox for people to debate whether or not exposing MY child to the internet is a good idea. This is not a Democracy. You do not get a vote.

I will, however, take your concerns into consideration, and I genuinely thank you for expressing them.

However, ultimately I think it's best that we go our own separate ways, and never the twain shall meet.

Thank you.

(You can see some of Mama Kat's other blogging tips here. Including the top tip on internet safety)

Goodbye Brain...

I've been really nutty lately.

Every thing I do, see, hear makes me want to laugh out loud, then cry. 

Ads on TV, shows, songs I hear, things people say to me... 

It all gives me that fluttery feeling in my belly, my eyes want to pop out and I want to burst into crazed psychotic laughter, then I get a tight feeling in the back of my throat, and the tingle in my eyes that proceeds me bawling my eyes out.

I'm not sure why this is happening. I've decided I'm finally losing my mind.

Goodbye brain, it was nice knowing you.

Procrastination.

I'm supposed to be studying.

I'm aimlessly web surfing.

I'm not looking for anything in particular.

I'm not sick.

I'm not hungry.

I'm not bored.

I'm procrastinating.

Sue me.

Internet woes. i.e. I'd like to use a lifeline please Eddie.

You would think with the amount of internet providers you can choose from these days I would be able to find just one that wants my business, right? Wrong.

In the past week, I have tried to sign up with three different providers, only to be told AFTER going through the entire. signup. process. that they don't have coverage in my area. One of them even went so far as to actually connect my phone, set up my internet account and deduct $238.00 from my bank in preparation of the signup, only to disconnect me 4 days later. Without telling me. How does THAT work?

Comes with free connection. And dis-connection.

"Ummm, Ms Befuddled? Thanks for your money but we've decided that we don't want to give you internet after all. Oh also, we're not going to tell you. Instead, to save money we're going to think it at you really hard and hope that you get the message telepathically."

Grrr... Don't they have some sort of pre-checking process that enables them to click a button and tell me up front whether they service my area? I mean, the sheer amount of different types of internet connections are confusing enough. They should be all begging me to sign with them and I should be all like, "No thanks, I'll try the next guy. He's cheaper." And they should be all like, "But we'll give you a puppy." And I'd be all like, "Nice try, I'm a cat person."

"We're so sorry Ms Befuddled, we don't provide internet in your area. The moon is unfortunately out of our coverage zone. We can, however, offer you a great deal on a satellite phone."

Seriously WTF?

Hungry or Bored?

Dear Brain,

Please learn to tell the difference between hungry and bored.

Sincerely,
Fat Ass

Crunchy Nut Cornflakes in a Zippy bag.

Let me ask a hypothetical question...

IS

MY

GIRL

GORGEOUS

OR

WHAT?

Apparently I have nothing better to blog about...

This is another post about a cat. Sue me.

Actually it's about my other cat. The girl. The boy is normally the freaky-weird one who does crazy stuff.

But lately my girl has taken to eating the strangest things. Strawberry yoghurt. Potatoes. Vegemite toast.

Tonight she topped the list with the best one yet.

Yep. She's eating tomato soup.

???

Independence day?

Tomika applied for her first job today.

Yep. I am that old.

She's just turned 15, and so legally allowed to work. When did THAT happen? There's nothing I can do about it. She wants to work. She's old enough. I'm sick of giving her money for clothes and makeup! So it makes sense right?

Where the hell did the time go? When did my little girl go from this:

To this?

Help!

This Is NOT For The Faint Hearted...

 
Or children. Or married people. Or little old ladies with sensibilities that offend very easily. In fact it's pretty much purely for my own voyeuristic pleasure. Sue me.

You will need sound... and possibly a cold shower.

Ok. I'm done now. Seriously.

I'm obsessed... i.e. Find me a REAL man STAT!

  

Okay so all this doctor ordered rest and relaxation has done wild and crazy things to me and, more importantly... and weirdly... my libido.

In my utterly bored pain-killer fueled internet surfing I have found, wait for it ladies...

The gorgeous Mr Wentworth Earl Miller III*. And he's LEGAL!!! In fact, he's older than me, so more the better. I have actually spent countless hours looking at pictures of him. Pathetic huh? I feel like a moronic teenager with a star-filled-eye crush!

The most beautiful man in the world!
A man so perfectly formed, it's as if he were sculpted by the Gods themselves...



And if that's not enough to convince you, how about this one?

*sigh*

However, until such time as I have a real live red-blooded man that I can touch and...sniff and...stuff.... I am declaring to the world at large.

Ms Befuddled... is in luurve!

__________
* See my post about Prison Break. Apparently Went stuck in my head after watching this for some sexy strange reason...

Call Off The Health Department, She's Going To Live!

 

Tomika has kicked the virus's butt and is back at school. Thank whatever Deity you like, God *1, Buddha *2, Amun-Ra *3... Batman *4; she's okay. All that angst for nothing.

I feel kinda silly about my last post, I was exhausted and emotional, and after reading it again I seriously considered deleting it. But you know what? I won't, because that's me, uncensored. I mean, the BPD aside, I am an emotional person when it comes to my family, especially my daughter, although I'm not usually such a gutter-mouth! So my last post stands, swearing and all. Although I think I'll add a R+ rating warning to it, just to be sure.

Hang on...

Done.

Tomika may be over the worst of it, but I am feeling the pain. I stubbornly fought tooth and nail against it all week, telling myself, like the little engine that could, I will not succumb, I will not succumb, I will not succumb! I couldn't afford to with a sick child to worry about.

However... this morning I woke up with a cough. Just a small cough, a mere tickle. But a cough none-the-less. I have since taken approximately 15 vitamin C tablets, 2 immune defence capsules, 2 shots of cough mixture, a horse-tablet-sized multi-vitamin, and 3 eggs on toast (for good luck). And it's only 11am. Am I over-reacting? You bet I am. I WILL NOT SUCCUMB!

In the spirit of my melodramatic nature, I have shipped Tomika off to her fathers for a week. I am satisfied that she is pretty well over it, and I refuse to have it circle around to her again if it turns out that I am a germ factory. I am determined to fight this bio-warfare independently.

OH! How's this... The Doctor actually had the gall to tell me to, "keep your distance from Tomika, as she will be extremely contagious"... HA! Yeah right! Hello... Doc? Do you actually have children? Y'know the ones, people, only smaller? You try staying away from your own sick child. It's like telling the sun it's not allowed to come up for a week because the stupid Humans can't stay out of it and are dying from skin cancer. A great idea in theory... Not. Gonna. Happen.

So Tomika is at her Dads, I am stubbornly NOT sick, and it's cold as Dante's Ninth Circle of Hell.

Welcome to Winter baby!

__________

*1. God - When I did a Google search on God it came back with about 381,000,000 results in 0.18 seconds. - Holy moly!

*2. Buddha - A Buddha is a person who is completely free from all faults and mental obstructions. - i.e. Me.

*3. Amun-Ra - King of the gods of Egypt. He is believed to be the physical father of all Pharaohs. - (That's a lot of divine sex. I wonder if that's why all the Pharaohs are buried with their pussies? (Yes, I went there.))

*4. Batman - God of six-pack abs and crotch stuffing.

Call The CDC, This House Is A Quarantine Zone!

I haven't had two minutes to stop and smell the roses this week. Tomika has been sick as a dog with a virus. So the Doctor says anyway. The poor little bugger has had a sore throat, cough, runny nose, aching limbs, and her asthma has been really, really bad. So bad in fact, that I have had her sleeping in my bed so that I can keep an eye on her during the night.

Neither of us has slept much, her because she can't breathe, and me because I'm too scared to sleep in case something happens and I don't catch it in time. Needless to say, we are both exhausted, her being worse, obviously.

She's finally asleep, for the moment anyway, and I thought I'd take a sec to myself to come on and update here before I'm back on duty. If she's still this bad tomorrow, I'm taking her into the hospital.

Bloody hell... Nobody ever told me that being a Mum would be this terrifying!

Naked Blogging Day

For those of you who just got a little excited... No. I don't mean blogging without clothes, although if you want to do that, that's your business I guess. Although I wouldn't personally do it. Probably. Knowing my luck, someone would hack my web-cam and I'd end up being slapped with a lawsuit for indecent exposure. Because it would be. Indecent that is. In fact it would be kinda horrible. So I won't do it. You're welcome internet.

What I mean is blogging without make-up.

Apparently there is a meme going around (courtesy of BlogHer) at the moment that is encouraging women to take a photo of themselves sans make-up, and post it on their blogs.

Now... This is what I figure... I don't usually wear make-up, I honestly can't be bothered, and I am not at all shy to post a photo or two of myself looking, well... shall we say, bare-faced... as evidenced by these - few - posts.

So I figured I would go you one better, and post a picture of myself actually wearing make-up. Yeah, I know. Will wonders never cease? So here you go.

Eeek! Please ignore the un-waxed eyebrows!

As we can all see, not that much of a difference. Now you understand why I don't bother.

The funny thing is... I am actually a fully qualified make-up artist. Yeah I know, who'd a thunk it right? Well when I was 16 I took a make-up artistry course at TAFE, and I've been qualified since I graduated (obviously!) at around 18.

So if you need a wedding done. I can do it. If you are in a movie and need your make-up done for a scene. That's me. If you need a bruise or two, or a slit throat. I'm your girl... I mean... I can do your make up so that you LOOK like you have bruises and a slit throat... I'm not actually going to hit you... Probably... Unless you like that sort of thing... No, that's just silly... Not that there's anything wrong with it... I'm going to shut up now.

Okay so y'all don't love me. Except for y'all who do. Now even I'M confused...

 

So my 100-Followers-by-my-Birthday-Goal was a ripping success. I made it to 100 with plenty of time to spare, and now I'm... Hmmm, yes? Huh? I beg your pardon? I, uh, didn't make it you say? But I... Oh... I seem to have failed miserably. Right then.

Now IF I was the type of person to wallow in disappointment, (who me? Pfft.) I would be a blubbering mess right about now. Sobbing and snotting into my pillow, cuddling the cat to within an inch of it's life, wailing "Why OH Why don't they love me?" Luckily for you, and the cat, I'm not. (HA! I may have gotten slightly depressed, and there may have been some snot involved... I'm just sayin'.)

I have decided, instead, to cheat. Now I can hear you all now. Brea? No... She wouldn't cheat. Not Mz Befuddled herself. She has too much integrity! Now firstly let me say, Thanks for sticking up for me. And secondly, You are delusional. Don't you know me at all? Of course I'm going to cheat! I was ALWAYS going to cheat if I didn't make it. It just took me a bit to figure out how... Quiet now, hear me out! This way, I get my 100 Followers, and don't die in a crushing wave of defeat... And you get prezzies.

So we all win really.

I have managed to scrabble together 77 Followers on my blog page via Google Friend Connect. 77 Amazing and Wonderful people who don't mind if I call them names, and tell them I don't love them on a semi-regular basis. (When they know I totally do.) HOWEVER. I have also managed to attain 30 magnificent Followers via Facebook NetworkedBlogs, (buggered if I know how!?) and I am ABSOLUTELY counting them too.

SOOO... 77 + 30 = 107. FIGJAM baby!!!

I am still deciding on the prize to be given away, it will probably be either a CD of myself singing songs with the word 'Toilet' in the title, or an 64 page album containing photos of my cats. It's a big decision so I'm not going to rush it.

Stay tuned for the big reveal!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

Brea's not here at the moment on account of IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!

YAY ME!

I'm 36 today and not ashamed to say it. I love that I'm getting older, and that my misspent youth is behind me.

That's All.

See you tomorrow!

THE CAT IS PLOTTING TO KILL ME!

Seriously. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Every time I try to walk somewhere, he flies across in front of me at warp speed like an absolute mental. I have tripped over the bloody thing so many times, I'm surprised neither of us has broken a limb.

And it's not like he's a small cat either. If he was just this tiny ball of fluff, I could just kick move him out of the way and keep going. But no... He's a bloody great beanbag with eyes. If I ever do fall over him properly, I'm going down like a sack of potato's. I'm going to end up killing either myself, him, or both of us.

I'm convinced that as soon as he does it, and I trip (and he WAITS for me to stumble... he. pauses. for. just. a. second.), he goes off to wherever it is that happy cats go, HappyCatLand or something, sniggers to himself, and plots the next fly-by. He thinks it's hilarious.

It's NOT funny. It's a sinister plot to get me down to his level so that he can disable me and TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Grrr!!!

Bloody cat.