Stupid Boy, Silly Girl.

I thought I'd give Mama Kat's Writers Workshop a go again.

It's been ages but I'm feeling bitter and twisted today and one of her prompts for this week gives me the perfect outlet for my overall yukkiness.

I've chosen prompt number 3. Write a poem that about a time you felt betrayed.

I had a relationship many years ago with a stupid horrible little boy younger man who was initially attracted to the pure awesomeness of me. I was 28 and he was 8 years younger than me (do the math) and had a body that reduced me to a puddle of teenage hormones. He was also a controlling, abusive, drug user, who made it his job (the only one he had) to stamp out my spirit. He would smoke, snort or inject anything he could find, then tell me what a horrible person I was. The guy was a prince. Of darkness. So why did I stay? Unfortunately his youth, cockiness (pun intended), and lack of inhibitions made him fan-fucking-tastic in bed. Oh and my mum was dying and I had absolutely no self-esteem. But mainly the sex thing. The relationship started in the years leading up to my mothers death and finished not long after when I finally recognized what he had done to me. It was the biggest mistake I ever made and it almost ruined me. I can still feel the effects of it. Or maybe that's lingering second-hand smoke. Either way it left me scarred. And semi-high. I wrote this, and a few others like it, to try to cleanse myself. A kind of mental detox. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

Stupid Boy, Silly Girl

I listen to music, and all day I read.
     Inspiring words, that relate to me.
           Pulling me in, sayin' Silly Girl.
Why’d you let this boy, take over your world?

I trusted you, and made us a home.
     I gave you my love, shared all that I owned.
          You took ev'ry breath, and demanded more.
 If I didn't submit, you showed me the door.

I had it all, was a flame so bright.
      A different thing to do ev’ry night.
           You locked me away, threw away the key.
And ev’ry one forgot about me.

You set out to break me, you told me so.
      And even then I couldn’t let you go.
           You challenged yourself, you made me succumb.
You even hurt me, while I buried my mum.

Did it ever occur to you it was wrong?
     (Stupid Boy)
I cannot believe that I stayed for so long.
     (Silly Girl)
You couldn’t decide between me and your bong.
     (Stupid Boy)
I suppose I should thank you for making me strong.
     (Silly Girl)

You left me alone dunno how many times.
      Coz I’m not as important as the boyz and some lines.
           Does your dope and your speed keep you warm in bed?
Can they make you dinner? Do they give good head?

You don’t own me no more, I’m out and I’m free.
     When I left you that day, I went out found me.
           I can live life again, friends still know my name.
I have people who love me, can you say the same?

I. Should. Never. Watch. Infomercials... Ever.

Wednesday night I was up until 4am. Why? I hear you cry. One word. Info-fucking-mercials. Ok, so maybe that's two words.

I told myself I was studying. I was supposed to be studying. But really? Watchin' the damn infomercials.

They lure me in every. time.

THAT night I bought:

Because apparently I couldn't get shampoo at Coles...

But in the past I have been sucked in by:

Tried it. Lasted 3 weeks.

There's only so much canned tuna you can eat. Next...!

Uhh Huh... See above comment.

Without this I look like Shrek.

Ok, these I use daily. 

They make your boobs look like a uni-boob but they are so damn comfortable!

Used it once... 

I do have it prominently displayed so that when people visit I can look down my nose at them and say, "Sure. I use it every day... Don't you?"

This is actually pretty cool. I have steamed everything.

Anyone else got anything for sale? A crudely put together PowerPoint presentation is apparently all you need to lure me in. Free trial? Love it. Only pay for postage? Sign me up!

I suck at impulse control.

I'm sorry? This is your beezwax, how exactly?

 

The past three hours of my time has been used-up preparing, editing and re-editing, honing and perfecting this post. I. am. exhausted. I'm also fairly confident it will offend some people. Sue me.

So here goes..

I have just spent what seems like the better part of today AGAIN defending my decision to write about my daughter on this blog.

Seriously guys? What ever happened to the old saying, "People in glass houses, shouldn't throw stones."

What is it about me that makes people think that it's ok for them to not only judge me, but feel that it's ok to TELL ME WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO BRING UP MY CHILD??? She's happy. She's healthy. She's a normal teenager. She does shitty things. She gets into trouble. So do your kids. She is also a wonderful person. 

I. did. that. 

I make sure she is happy and safe every day, so it stands to reason that I'm not going to do anything to hurt her. Yes I write about her. Yes I include her real name. But you know what? So do other mums! I don't include our Surname. I don't include identifying landmarks. Facebook does. So does Twitter. So does YouTube and Tumblr and Instagram. By including LBS  or what we all know as GPS mapping in their posts, everyone knows EXACTLY where you are.

I. don't. do. that.

So to those people I say simply:

The choice to include Tomika in my blog was deliberate and not made lightly. I am not the first parent to write about their children online, and I will definitely not be the last

To quote another mother/blogger, who also writes about her kids:

"Here’s the thing. There are people more important and more famous than us who’s entire lives are photographed and tracked. We know their kids’ names, we know where they live, we know where they vacation, etc.

Are we taking risks by allowing people to see our children on the internet? Yes. How great are the risks? I don’t know. Are there freaks out there? Yes and they scare the crap out of me. But are we taking those same risks when I take my kids ANYWHERE in public? Yes. There will always be creeps. I refuse to live in fear of them." - Mama's losin' It!

I have questioned and questioned and questioned my decision. And upon endless reflection, I am ok with it.

Now, if you have come here to judge, my suggestion is thus: Move on. Nothing to see here. Click on the back button, or whatever brought you here and visit elsewhere.

You will not like this blog. We are not a match made in heaven, and I can guarantee we will both be happier not crossing paths again.

I will write about whatever I deem appropriate, and nothing you say will change that. I am sorry if you find that offensive, but I recommend you save your typing fingers and maybe comment on a blog you DO enjoy.

I will also not turn this blog into a soapbox for people to debate whether or not exposing MY child to the internet is a good idea. This is not a Democracy. You do not get a vote.

I will, however, take your concerns into consideration, and I genuinely thank you for expressing them.

However, ultimately I think it's best that we go our own separate ways, and never the twain shall meet.

Thank you.

(You can see some of Mama Kat's other blogging tips here. Including the top tip on internet safety)

Goodbye Brain...

I've been really nutty lately.

Every thing I do, see, hear makes me want to laugh out loud, then cry. 

Ads on TV, shows, songs I hear, things people say to me... 

It all gives me that fluttery feeling in my belly, my eyes want to pop out and I want to burst into crazed psychotic laughter, then I get a tight feeling in the back of my throat, and the tingle in my eyes that proceeds me bawling my eyes out.

I'm not sure why this is happening. I've decided I'm finally losing my mind.

Goodbye brain, it was nice knowing you.

Procrastination.

I'm supposed to be studying.

I'm aimlessly web surfing.

I'm not looking for anything in particular.

I'm not sick.

I'm not hungry.

I'm not bored.

I'm procrastinating.

Sue me.