I forgot to give a brief update on the thing that sent me away in the first place!
My physical health.
So after countless tests, the winner was, wait for it...
Inflammatory Bowel Disease
|I'm on fire... on the inside.|
Not to be confused with Irritable Bowel Syndrome which is apparently exactly the same except that there is no permanent damage.
Basically, after all that angst and pain, I got a course of antibiotics and told to come back for a yearly colonoscopy.
Great. Thanks a lot body. Seriously.