Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Would it be totally uncool for me to swoon right now...?

Holy fuckity-fuck-fucking-Jesus-Christ-in-a-teacup Batman!

I just got home and checked my email and I found THIS... 

I stole her avatar too...

Just in case you can't see it properly, here's a close-up...

She loves me. She really loves me.

Yes that is an email from Ms Jenny The Bloggess Lawson herself replying to me regarding my putting her quote on my wall. I feel like I just got a letter from the Queen!


P.S. Wentworth Miller, you're next!

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

I am the Wizard of Oz of Housewives

Okay. So I read Jenny Lawson's (The Bloggess) book Let's Pretend This Never Happened.

Why yes, that is a dead mouse.

It's fantastic. Like utterly amazing.

Now I read a lot. I mean, A LOT a lot. And I'm warning you in advance, this post is going to border on being stalker-ish. The Bloggess' book moved me more than any I've read in a really long time. I cringed in horror, laughed until a little bit of pee came out and sobbed as if my heart was broken. And scarily of all I could relate. To everything. single. word.

It's absolutely terrifying for me to read a book like this because I feel as though she burrowed deep down inside of me and retched up all the stuff I'm ashamed of and keep hidden, and exposed it for everyone to judge. It's heart-wrenching, and embarrassing, and absolutely wonderful. Just to know there is someone else out there that is just as fucked up as I am is empowering.

I have so much respect and admiration for this woman, the strength it would take to be able to write with such honesty and rawness, to lay it all out there for the world to see. It's humbling.

One thing in particular spoke to me and perfectly captured the inner conflict that wars within me on a daily basis. The 23rd chapter is titled;
"I am the Wizard of Oz of Housewives (In that I am both "Great and Terrible" and because sometimes I hide behind the Curtains)"
This quote not only sums up the entire book for me, but also encompasses my whole life. I am wonderful and horrible, sometimes simultaneously, on a daily basis. And at times I am so overwhelmed by either the sheer wonder, or utter hopelessness of it all I find myself curled up in the foetal position in a corner. 

That page (p 191), drew me back to re-read, over and over. And each time I found something new. A brutally honest thought. Deeper insight. Some new complexity that made me go, "Oh! Yes. There you are."

I thumbed through the pages to get to that quote so many times I ruined the book.

So I stole it.

I made it bigger.

And I put it on my wall.

And it is awesome.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Stupid Boy, Silly Girl.

I thought I'd give Mama Kat's Writers Workshop a go again.

It's been ages but I'm feeling bitter and twisted today and one of her prompts for this week gives me the perfect outlet for my overall yukkiness.

Mama’s Losin’ It

I've chosen prompt number 3. Write a poem that about a time you felt betrayed.

I had a relationship many years ago with a stupid horrible little boy younger man who was initially attracted to the pure awesomeness of me. I was 28 and he was 8 years younger than me (do the math) and had a body that reduced me to a puddle of teenage hormones. He was also a controlling, abusive, drug user, who made it his job (the only one he had) to stamp out my spirit. He would smoke, snort or inject anything he could find, then tell me what a horrible person I was. The guy was a prince. Of darkness. So why did I stay? Unfortunately his youth, cockiness (pun intended), and lack of inhibitions made him fan-fucking-tastic in bed. Oh and my mum was dying and I had absolutely no self-esteem. But mainly the sex thing. The relationship started in the years leading up to my mothers death and finished not long after when I finally recognized what he had done to me. It was the biggest mistake I ever made and it almost ruined me. I can still feel the effects of it. Or maybe that's lingering second-hand smoke. Either way it left me scarred. And semi-high. I wrote this, and a few others like it, to try to cleanse myself. A kind of mental detox. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

Stupid Boy, Silly Girl

I listen to music, and all day I read.
     Inspiring words, that relate to me.
           Pulling me in, sayin' Silly Girl.
Why’d you let this boy, take over your world?

I trusted you, and made us a home.
     I gave you my love, shared all that I owned.
          You took ev'ry breath, and demanded more.
 If I didn't submit, you showed me the door.

I had it all, was a flame so bright.
      A different thing to do ev’ry night.
           You locked me away, threw away the key.
And ev’ry one forgot about me.

You set out to break me, you told me so.
      And even then I couldn’t let you go.
           You challenged yourself, you made me succumb.
You even hurt me, while I buried my mum.

Did it ever occur to you it was wrong?
     (Stupid Boy)
I cannot believe that I stayed for so long.
     (Silly Girl)
You couldn’t decide between me and your bong.
     (Stupid Boy)
I suppose I should thank you for making me strong.
     (Silly Girl)

You left me alone dunno how many times.
      Coz I’m not as important as the boyz and some lines.
           Does your dope and your speed keep you warm in bed?
Can they make you dinner? Do they give good head?

You don’t own me no more, I’m out and I’m free.
     When I left you that day, I went out found me.
           I can live life again, friends still know my name.
I have people who love me, can you say the same?

Saturday, July 7, 2012

I. Should. Never. Watch. Infomercials... Ever.

Wednesday night I was up until 4am. Why? I hear you cry. One word. Info-fucking-mercials. Ok, so maybe that's two words.

I told myself I was studying. I was supposed to be studying. But really? Watchin' the damn infomercials.

They lure me in every. time.

THAT night I bought:

Because apparently I couldn't get shampoo at Coles...

But in the past I have been sucked in by:

Tried it. Lasted 3 weeks.
There's only so much canned tuna you can eat. Next...!

Uhh Huh... See above comment.

Without this I look like Shrek.

Ok, these I use daily. 
They make your boobs look like a uni-boob but they are so damn comfortable!

Used it once... 
I do have it prominently displayed so that when people visit I can look down my nose at them and say, "Sure. I use it every day... Don't you?"

This is actually pretty cool. I have steamed everything.

Anyone else got anything for sale? A crudely put together PowerPoint presentation is apparently all you need to lure me in. Free trial? Love it. Only pay for postage? Sign me up!

I suck at impulse control.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

I'm sorry? This is your beezwax, how exactly?

The past three hours of my time has been used-up preparing, editing and re-editing, honing and perfecting this post. I. am. exhausted. I'm also fairly confident it will offend some people. Sue me.

So here goes..

I have just spent what seems like the better part of today AGAIN defending my decision to write about my daughter on this blog.

Seriously guys? What ever happened to the old saying, "People in glass houses, shouldn't throw stones."

What is it about me that makes people think that it's ok for them to not only judge me, but feel that it's ok to TELL ME WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO BRING UP MY CHILD??? She's happy. She's healthy. She's a normal teenager. She does shitty things. She gets into trouble. So do your kids. She is also a wonderful person. 

I. did. that

I make sure she is happy and safe every day, so it stands to reason that I'm not going to do anything to hurt her. Yes I write about her. Yes I include her real name. But you know what? So do other mums! I don't include our Surname. I don't include identifying landmarks. Facebook does. So does Twitter. So does YouTube and Tumblr and Instagram. By including LBS  or what we all know as GPS mapping in their posts, everyone knows EXACTLY where you are.

I. don't. do. that.

So to those people I say simply:

The choice to include Tomika in my blog was deliberate and not made lightly. I am not the first parent to write about their children online, and I will definitely not be the last

To quote another mother/blogger, who also writes about her kids:

"Here’s the thing. There are people more important and more famous than us who’s entire lives are photographed and tracked. We know their kids’ names, we know where they live, we know where they vacation, etc.
Are we taking risks by allowing people to see our children on the internet? Yes. How great are the risks? I don’t know. Are there freaks out there? Yes and they scare the crap out of me. But are we taking those same risks when I take my kids ANYWHERE in public? Yes. There will always be creeps. I refuse to live in fear of them." - Mama's losin' It!

I have questioned and questioned and questioned my decision. And upon endless reflection, I am ok with it.

Now, if you have come here to judge, my suggestion is thus: Move on. Nothing to see here. Click on the back button, or whatever brought you here and visit elsewhere.

You will not like this blog. We are not a match made in heaven, and I can guarantee we will both be happier not crossing paths again.

I will write about whatever I deem appropriate, and nothing you say will change that. I am sorry if you find that offensive, but I recommend you save your typing fingers and maybe comment on a blog you DO enjoy.

I will also not turn this blog into a soapbox for people to debate whether or not exposing MY child to the internet is a good idea. This is not a Democracy. You do not get a vote.

I will, however, take your concerns into consideration, and I genuinely thank you for expressing them.

However, ultimately I think it's best that we go our own separate ways, and never the twain shall meet.

Thank you.

(You can see some of Mama Kat's other blogging tips here. Including the top tip on internet safety)

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Goodbye Brain...

I've been really nutty lately.

Every thing I do, see, hear makes me want to laugh out loud, then cry. 

Ads on TV, shows, songs I hear, things people say to me... 

It all gives me that fluttery feeling in my belly, my eyes want to pop out and I want to burst into crazed psychotic laughter, then I get a tight feeling in the back of my throat, and the tingle in my eyes that proceeds me bawling my eyes out.

I'm not sure why this is happening. I've decided I'm finally losing my mind.

Goodbye brain, it was nice knowing you.


I'm supposed to be studying.

I'm aimlessly web surfing.

I'm not looking for anything in particular.

I'm not sick.

I'm not hungry.

I'm not bored.

I'm procrastinating.

Sue me.

Internet woes. i.e. I'd like to use a lifeline please Eddie.

You would think with the amount of internet providers you can choose from these days I would be able to find just one that wants my business, right? Wrong.

In the past week, I have tried to sign up with three different providers, only to be told AFTER going through the entire. signup. process. that they don't have coverage in my area. One of them even went so far as to actually connect my phone, set up my internet account and deduct $238.00 from my bank in preparation of the signup, only to disconnect me 4 days later. Without telling me. How does THAT work?

Comes with free connection. And dis-connection.
"Ummm, Ms Befuddled? Thanks for your money but we've decided that we don't want to give you internet after all. Oh also, we're not going to tell you. Instead, to save money we're going to think it at you really hard and hope that you get the message telepathically."
Grrr... Don't they have some sort of pre-checking process that enables them to click a button and tell me up front whether they service my area? I mean, the sheer amount of different types of internet connections are confusing enough. They should be all begging me to sign with them and I should be all like, "No thanks, I'll try the next guy. He's cheaper." And they should be all like, "But we'll give you a puppy." And I'd be all like, "Nice try, I'm a cat person."

"We're so sorry Ms Befuddled, we don't provide internet in your area. The moon is unfortunately out of our coverage zone. We can, however, offer you a great deal on a satellite phone."

Seriously WTF?

Monday, July 2, 2012

Hungry or Bored?

Dear Brain,

Please learn to tell the difference between hungry and bored.

Fat Ass
Crunchy Nut Cornflakes in a Zippy bag.