WARNING: GRATUITOUS USE OF BIG WORDS

WARNING: THIS POST WILL INCLUDE GRATUITOUS USE OF BIG WORDS LIKE PHLEGM, UVULA,  MONONUCLEOSIS AND STEAMING PILE OF CRAP.

(Just thought I'd let you know.)

At the moment I have this horrible, hacking cough, that reminds me very much of croup. However, considering I'm not under 4 years old (at least last time I looked), I'm pretty sure that's not it. Accompanying the cough is a sore throat. And also phlegm running down the back of my throat, which I can't shift, no matter what I do. (Trust me, I stuck my fingers in there to try to grab it. Nothing.) (Yes, I AM aware of how stupid and desperate a move that was.) (No, I will not be doing it again any-time soon. It hurt.) (Incidentally, I have a very healthy gag reflex in case you were wondering.)

MOVING ON ~ I'm at a loss as to what it is, and what to do. Owing to the almost constant company of medical personnel over the past few days, I am loathe to take myself to the doctors AGAIN. So I have come to you, dear, dear readers, to help diagnose my illness.

I have tried Nyal Bronchitis Cough Medicine. Nothing happened except that I realised that I don't like Nyal Bronchitis Cough Medicine. Seriously. I would hate to be Tomika right now and have me saying, 'Come on honey, I know it tastes bad, but it's GOOD for you.' S.T.U.F.F that. And twice on Sundays.

Every time I try to swallow, the phlegm gets caught over my (blowhole? snorkel?) oesophagus and I can't breathe. It's the strangest sensation I've ever experienced. I would equate it to snorting pineapple jelly (I don't know why pineapple, just because it's my favourite), and that feeling you get just afterwards when it's sliding down the back of your throat, and you realise that it was a very bad idea, and an even worse sensation. (Right about here I would advise you NOT to ask how I know that!)

I have tried Ethical Nutrients Immune Defence capsules. They taste like a steaming pile of crap. AND they don't DO anything. I certainly don't feel like I'm doing any defending. And last time I looked, my immune system had packed up and gone to Hawaii. (Where, incidentally, I believe I would get much better. Anyone...? No? It was worth a try.)

So currently, I look like this. 

(And yes, I do have my flanny dressing gown on at 2.30 in the arvo.)

And because of the phlegm dancing on my uvula, I feel like this.

When I would much prefer to be doing this.

Hawaii here I come!

So what do you think? Do I have Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease? Infectious Mononucleosis maybe? A massive case of Acute Terminal Hypochondria?

Help!