Thursday, April 1, 2010

The Ups and Downs of Bi-Polar Disorder


So the worst part of being on a 'high' is that you have to come down, always have to come down. And that usually happens with an almighty crash that is sent resounding through the rest of your life, and the lives of those around you.

These past few days, for me, have been hell on earth, and I can only imagine what it has been like for those that are in my life. I'm so sorry for them.

I have fought with everyone. I have sat on my ass and done NOTHING. I have slept around the clock. I have left days worth of dishes, piled up in the kitchen, and a week worth of laundry overflowing in the basket.

I haven't showered, or brushed my teeth. Shit, I've barely eaten anything but barley sugar, one after another.

I am so fucking OVER this.

My meds are working, I know they are. But sometimes I wonder, to what extent? Could it get any worse? I mean, I know it can, I've been there. But sometimes it's just FEELS like it can't.

I have kept my mask in place as long as I could, but it slipped. And I am left bare, red raw and hurting.


  1. Anything I can do?
    I wish I could help.
    Wishing you well.

  2. I'm so sorry :-( People who have never been in a down don't get this frustration...the frustration of WANTING to care and WANTING to stop hurting people and WANTING to WANT things...but not being able to do any of that.

    Here's to hoping the down releases its hold on you soon.

    Read some Anita Blake. She'll cheer you up! Or go visit Edward. :)


  3. If only there was a magic pill! I sure hope you move into a more level place least for a little while.

  4. I'm so sorry, friend. I am praying for you.

  5. Thanks Guys for your love and support.

    Don't worry, intellectually I know the drill, I'll be ok in a few days. Just gotta ride it out.

  6. Hope you are feeling okay and getting on top of it..thinking of you, but take some time for yourself and peace to you...xx

  7. I am very sorry to say this as I am a dedicated reader of your blog and have previously commented as anonymous as I didn't have a blogger account. But in all honesty, I am so sick of hearing how broken you are. You love your daughter but she frustrates you, a random stranger bought you a coffee because you were so damaged and upset, you have no money, your bipolar disorder is up and down, you can't sleep. Does anything good ever happen to you? I get depressed sometimes just reading about how sad your life is. What's stopping you from getting a new job and therefore having money and less time to laze around the house feeling sorry for yourself?

    I don't like to say it, but I feel for you and want to hear the good as well as the bad. Surely life can't be that bad? Hope you're feeling better soon.

  8. First Andy, Let me say Thank You for reading. I appreciate each and every one of my readers, followers, and the bloogy 'friends' I have made.

    Secondly, I can understand how it would seem that my life is one endless hardship after another. Sometimes it seems that way to me also. However if you are, as you say, a dedicated reader, you would see that I try to make the mishaps I have, as amusing a story as possible. Sometimes I can't.

    Unfortunately there are areas of my life that are less than perfect, and not at all funny. Are you suggesting that I hide my bad side?

    This blog is not for me to write pretty fluffy stories for people to have a laugh over. It is essentially a kind of confessional for me. To write about what is going on in my life, warts and all.

    If I can't sleep, I'll write about it. If I'm depressed, I'll write about it. If God-Damned Satan, rained down Hell and Sulphur upon me and I got burned, you better believe I'm gonna write about it.

    There are good things in my life, and there are bad. Presently, the bad outweigh the good. PRESENTLY. The good will come, and when it does, I'll be sure and let you know.

    Until such time, I'll keep on writing about the things I want to write about, because, as I said, this blog is an outlet for me.

    Thank You again for your readership, I hope that your blog thrives, that your life is happy, and that you don't feel the need to write about anything awful in your life.

  9. No Brea I'm not suggesting you hide anything at all. Believe me I know there are hard times. I've been to hell and back the last few years and then steam rolled to top it off.

    I'm sorry that you've been going through bad times and yes you do make it as entertaining as possible and I enjoy that. There just seems to be a lot of crap in your life all at once.

    I'm sorry you misunderstood what I meant and took it badly, but thankful that you were so nice and friendly in responding and clarifying.

    Hope your life gets better and you have something cheerful to blog about.

    All the best and in the meantime I shall remain a dedicated befuddled brain reader.


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