Occasionally my Bi-Polar Disorder plays up more than normal. (If you aren't up to date on what BPD is, you can go here for an text-book explanation, or here if you actually want to understand what you are reading about.)
On those days I turn into either Uber-Bitch or Depression-Diva, depending on whether I'm up or down on the day in question.
I have decided to use this blog, in part, as my own BPD Anonymous/12 step - program...
Welcome to today's meeting.
Hi, I'm Depression-Diva and I have BPD.
Today I slept until 2.30pm. I got up, had 3 cups of tea, and went back to bed to watch some Dexter. I haven't, as yet, had a shower, or brushed my teeth. I can't be bothered. The scattered thoughts running through my brain, tell me over and over that I'm hopeless. That I'm a bad Mum, a bad person, that I 'should' be up/showered/dressed/cleaning the house/looking for a job. But I really don't care.
Most of the people in my life don't understand. They tell me to 'get over it', 'clean yourself up and you'll feel better' and 'think positively'. It's ok. I get it. They are trying, in the only way they know how, to help.
When it first happened, when my Mum died, I thought I was going insane. I understood grief, and that it was only natural to feel bad, but I couldn't work out why one minute I would be upset, and the next euphoric. It just didn't make sense. Everything I read about grief just didn't fit.
I would spend money I didn't have on crap and not pay my rent or bills. I stopped eating and I drank. A lot. I would go out with friends and get myself totalled, abuse everybody, and then drive home. The next day, I wouldn't remember a thing. I pushed/scared away all my friends. I worried my family. I freaked MYSELF out.
It got to the point where I wouldn't speak to anyone for days, I would ignore the phone, sleep until the late afternoon, turn on the TV, watch for a few hours, then go back to sleep. Or I would stay in bed for days reading. I gave up on me.
Then one day, I realised that I had been in bed for 2 weeks straight. I hadn't showered, I'd barely eaten. I hadn't spoken to anyone the entire time... And I hadn't seen my child. She was at her Dads. That was the day that I finally understood what this was doing to me.
I dragged myself out of bed and onto the computer and I started searching. I found a medical site, (I can't remember the name) that I typed in the stuff I was doing, and it spat out a semi-diagnosis. Bi-Polar Disorder. So I searched that too. I found a forum where people were writing about their thoughts and how they were feeling. I wasn't alone! Finally, I felt a touch better.
Through it I found BeyondBlue, which in turn put me on to a good GP in my area. I made an appointment, and as hard as it was, got myself diagnosed. The rest as they say is history.
These days, after much trial and error, I am on a fairly successful mix of medications that seem to be helping. Most of the time I am symptom free.
So today, I am Depression Diva. Tomorrow, who knows? But I do know one thing, it WILL get better.