Sunday, March 21, 2010

Lately I don't sleep.

Lately I don't sleep.

When my BPD goes on a 'high', my brain is ON 24/7 and I can't stop it.

So... I don't sleep.

I've tried everything. Sleeping pills, Valium, Xanax... Herbal remedies. Nothing works. My BPD meds are SUPPOSED to take care of it for me, but they don't.

So... I don't sleep.

Do you know what it feels like to go for days without sleep? To have your brain going on and on, and over and over things you can't change. Every minute of every day... And every night.

During the day, it's kinda okay. Cope-able. But at night there's not much to do except THINK.

I can't watch TV, because it doesn't capture my attention enough to stop the thoughts going round and round in my head. Reading is useless. I find myself re-reading the same sentence over and over without registering what I've seen. I couldn't even tell you the subject of the book I'm reading. I've always got about 5 books on the go, trying in vain to find ONE that will distract me, even for a minute, from the nothingness.

So... I don't sleep.

After a few days of sleeplessness, you go numb. Nothing makes an impact.

Only Tomika breaks through. She reaches down through the quicksand of my mind and drags me back.

So for her, I make an effort. I make her food. I drive to and from school. I help with her daily problems.

I smile.


Lately I don't sleep.

10 comments:

  1. I could not imagine that. I've had some sleeplessness, but not anything like that. I used to think that, Hey, I can read, I can blog, I can......
    But, nope, like you said. Nothing holds your interest.
    Hope you manage to get past it.

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  2. oh, pumpkin! that is so rough. I can't even imagine. Here's sending you thoughts and prayer for peace.

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  3. As I read this post, I think of my sister. She has said practically the same exact things as you. And she too, go days without sleep. It makes her...crazy. I don't know what that is like, I can't even fathom. But I can empathize. Hopefully sleep will come soon.

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  4. Wow, your blog is really self-indulgent.

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  5. Wow. Your blog is so self-indulgent.

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  6. That sounds just awful. I can't believe you can;t find anything that helps. How frustrating!

    www.kellyansapansa.blogspot.com

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  7. Hello!
    Oh gosh - how hard that must be.
    I hope things change soon.
    xx

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  8. Well...sleeplessness just sucks....wish there was a magic cure for you! Hope you get rest soon! I just stopped by from my sis's blog...2010-year of Miracles :)

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  9. Hi! Came here through Dusty Earth Mother. Am enjoying reading your posts. My niece has a horrible time with insomnia, and I know how rough her days are b/c of it. I'm sending prayers and love your way, that you soon find a good, peaceful night of sleep.

    Nice to meet you, and I'll be thinking of you. P.S. your daughter is lovely.

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