Thursday, March 18, 2010

My Toe Is A Pirate...

The big toe on my right foot is a traitor.

It is, at this very moment, engaged in an act of Mutiny against the other toes. The whole foot actually. And being that it is SUPPOSED to be the Capitan of the set, the one that lays down the law for all the other toes, I am fairly certain this is NOT a good thing...

It is either trying to convert the others to it's way of thinking... In which case I'm in six different shades of shit. And my toes are going on a holiday without me. (Which I'm pretty sure I don't want.) Because I need my toes, don't I? (I mean I don't need them like I 'need' a bourbon... That's just silly, there's need, and there's 'need'... Savvy? Priorities people!)

Now I'm no Anatomy major or anything, but aren't the toes kinda important? Y'know, to keep you upright and all? (Not like after that bourbon or seven, but for-real upright. Like when you're sober and shit.) (Do you think, if you had no toes on one foot, you'd just walk round in circles...?)

OR it's pulling this weird reverse-psychology-do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do crap... In which case I'm going to have to get a Toe Therapist. (And I hear they are expensive!) Because I'm the boss of this foot toe-baby, and it's about time you knew it!

It is currently infected from an in-grown toenail, and looks, well, just YUK . (Just turn away from the other four toes, that's just nature unfortunately. I have NOT been blessed with attractive feet. Not by a long shot.) (In fact, you might wanna skip those photos altogether... I'm just sayin'.)

ALSO... It would be remiss of me not to mention the PAIN that is currently associated with having no choice but to USE something that you need every moment of every day, due to the fact that it balances you and shit...

Oh! And there's also the oozing pus.


SO... Owing to the fact that I have a Mutiny on my hands (feet?), I have decided that I have absolutely NO choice in the matter.

It will have to walk the plank.

I'm afraid there's nothing else to it...

Maybe I can get Johnny Depp as 'Captain' Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean in as a replacement...

AND if I'm lucky I can train my Sparrow-Toe to say things like, "Savvy?", "Do us a favour... I know it's difficult for you... but please, stay here, and try not to do anything... stupid.", "Funny ol' world, innit?", "Do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death?", "And really bad eggs.", and "Why is the rum gone? But, why is the rum gone?!" at regular intervals.

Hmm... Johnny Food-for-thought.

***I'm a MASSIVE Pirates stalker... Is it too obvious???***


  1. You are too funny, Brea. Loving Jack Sparrow on the big toe.

  2. Oh that looks so painful! Your post was wonderful though! I may or may not have laughed a couple of times...justsayin

  3. Thanks Guys.

    I figure why not allow every-one else to suffer along with me?

  4. Brea.
    You are too funny. "If one foot didn't have toes, would I just go around in circles?" I had to laugh out loud at that. Thank you. The whole idea is so funny.
    Yuck on the photo though. I don't think anyone has good looking feet or toes. My wife's toes are so ugly. And she's had work done on them. I think that just made them worse.
    Thanks again.


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